Porn: An Editorial.

I'm just going to say it: I love porn.

I've been watching porn since middle school when my best friend and I stole it from his cousin and were grossed out at how a gallon of some milky-white substance could just waterfall out of a woman's vagina and cover some innocent business man's desk (why can't it be her desk?, you ask, why couldn't she be marginally successful in a middle management position that got her a generic office?, you implore, more forcefully. Because she's a woman idiot.). We were confused when Fidel Castro was watching too people go at on a beach with binoculars (that is, he was watching with binoculars, they weren't using them). We got caught, but were not confronted, when we hid it in a case for Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and someone apparently actually wanted to watch it.

Now, I'm not going to say I'm some creeper who's bought and seen everything from Deepthroat to Big Dicks, Tight Asses to The Breakfast Club XXX. In fact, I've never purchased a pornographic movie in my life. Thank you The Internet, because that shit's free.

But thanks to be being a cheap bastard, I've had the luxury of:
- downloading .exe viruses (thank you virus scans!)
- Seen a woman having sex with all of the following:
--A midget dressed as a baby in a giant crib
--a dog
--a horse
--an octopus (though it was dead so I don't think that counts as intercourse)
--a funnel full of eels
- learning what a sybian is, and damning the creator for trying to replace men.
--oh, and a fist
- seeing girls piss, shit, fart, queef and vomit all in the name of pleasure...apparently
- Chicks with Dicks, 'nuff said.
- I've seen men with split penis, and also sticking things in their penis hole (not for my satisfaction, purely for scientific interests, I swear!)

Shall I go on?

Here's a list of videos I'm waiting for:
- A Woman having sex with a bear
- X girls, X-1 cups: The Musical Cups edition
- Zombie Porn.
- Women dressed up as robots and playing monopoly.
- Women dressed up as robots and playing monopoly and for some reason passing Go totally gets them off.
- Two people having normal sex.
- Random wildlife rape, in the wild (maybe the NEW most dangerous game!)
- Bum Fights XXX (Gross!)

However, for anyone who's new to the internet, there's a new trend perverting the name of good ol' fucking: Stickam. Now I'm all for young ladies (not too young) taking off their clothes and showing me their goodies, and I'm also inclined to NOT stop a girl that I'm currently video chatting with from doing just that. But there must be a line with all these videos of all these girls just showing off their bits and pieces. Where has decency gone? Do you girls realize when you're old enough to settle down and find a boy you actually like, when he remembers you as SlutGirl696969 from that stickam chat he had with 13 other guys and 4 or 5 guys who said they were also girls, do you really think he'll be interested?
Sorry ladies, contrary to what Jersey Shore tells you, guys don't like whores, so kill yourselves now.

On the flipside there are literally TONS (in internet units) of websites capitalizing on this concept! Genius! Pornhost.com is a good example of how these vid-chat videos permeate the free pornography market. Which is a benefit to me until you realize just how many of these supposed videos contain NO nudity, NO sex, and is just some kid dancing around; or, upon playing and watching these girls disrobe they look way too young for even my comfort; or, fatties; or, girls who end up being fatties only after they move the camera down; or, again, fatties.
Come on ladies, put some work into this stuff!!

And don't get me started on production value! It's bad enough these cam videos are all grainy and jerky thanks to webcam software/hardware that hasn't been updated since the early 00s when Mankind actually thought this was the future, but there's no storyline!
There's a different line of professionally-made films where they "recruit" a girl off the street for her "first ever" "photo shoot" which "turns out" the girl who's "never done this before" doesn't mind taking off her clothes and rubbing all up on another girl. For the sake of professionalism, of course! They're at least trying!
And lastly, for the aforementioned "Parody" films, they're taking porn back to a whole new level we haven't seen since Edward Penishands. That's where the money's at, and they have an entire untapped market to work with! Here's a few I'd like to see:
- Saved by the Bell
- Home Improvement
- Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Hello, that's a whole WORLD of penis references there! They can only be killed by a penis through the vagina! Intellectual Property! You heard it here first!!)
- Star Trek
- Knight Rider

Any more you can think of? Play along!!

Porn is awesome. Let's keep it that way!


P.S. Can we work the Vuvuzela in there at all? Just checking.