Memo: When I Become a Super-powered Individual

Since most of the good superpowers have been taken...and we all know that making some second-rate superhero with first-rate abilities never works out (I'm looking at you SubMariner), I've decided to list all the abilities I'm willing to have.

Note to DC and Marvel: If I see any of these in print, Fuck you, I'm suing.



1. Super-Great Breath
2. Super-Bright Teeth
3. Super-Wavy Hair
4. Non-Stink Armpits
5. The Ability to sweat 170 proof whiskey
6. The Ability to know the starting line-up of all Arena Football Teams approx. 3 weeks in advance
7. Explosive Diarreah
8. A large antacid cannon instead of a right hand
9. The ability to shape-shift and mildly resemble someone else a little bit sort-of if you look kind of quickly
10. Super Breathing (not to be mistaken with superman's super breath. Just like in-out type breathing. i.e. I'm really good at it)
11. The ability to sense when a phone is ringing 5 seconds before it rings in a 2-mile radius
12. Really big hands.
13. The ability to breathe while under lava, except I can't be in air anymore. Kind of like Aquaman except I'm in Lava. So all lava-bourne enemies are screwed.
14. Penis lazers.
15. Butt lazers.
16. Ear Lazers.
17. My fingers are staplers.
18. My fingers are pencils.
19. My penis is a pencil Permanent Marker.
20. Spray Paint breath
21. The ability to gauge a woman's breast size by touch
22. The ability to consume drugs, but have no adverse effects. Also, they have no positive effects. i.e. no effects.
23. Abilities that I only have when I'm not using them, but when I try to use them I don't have them anymore. (this gives me the ability to have any copy-written superpowers such as eye lazers, super strength or spider abilities)
24. Silver skateboarding/motocrossing/snowboarding/rollerblading/parkour/heelies/razr skootering/that wobbly-board-thingy/moon-shoesing.
24.5. I've decided on Silver Moon-shoesing. Sorry Marvel, you need to diversify.
26. The ability to open any jar or bottle no matter how stuck the cap is! (unless it's not a twisty-top because you clearly can't open those with your bare hands).
28. The ability to know the score of any sport game when it happens, (well like a second after it happens. so when somebody says "the ___game is ___ to ___" and I can go "yeah, I know.")
29. The ability to communicate with subatomic particles.
30. I look like I'm wearing clothes except I'm not.

There you have it readers, 30 super powers that I would like to have. I'm a genius.

Edit: it has come to my attention that I skipped both 25 and 27, making this look like one of those myspace blog surveys the kids are all filling out with their personal information. Maybe I'm not a genius, but perhaps superpower 25 can be the ability to count, and 27 can be continuity. There, back up to thirty.