I was reading old IM conversations with girls who definitely had the hots for me though I didn't fuck them.
I perused some comics I used to make (and to this day miss making)
and I found this little gem which I thought was a bit of a dissolution into pornography but hit some of the right notes.
I present:
The Cleveland Browns Have Nothing on My Sea Man
The first girl I ever fucked in the ass I met in a bar.
I was drinking, as usual, and up to about six or seven beers. I was the kind of drunk where the world wobbles back and forth.
That’s when I play my best pool; I think it’s the concentration versus the perception or some shit.
I was in the middle of kicking my friend Jake’s ass when I realized she was watching me play. I sake the eight ball and she gave me a slight congratulatory smile that I probably wasn’t meant to see but I could tell she was interested. I decided to turn up the heat.
I smiled.
I made trick shots.
I raised my eyebrow, girls seem to find that extra sexy.
I refused to go up to her. Fuck that, I don’t approach bitches – they approach me. But she just wouldn’t. I guess she was doing one of those hard to get acts, or maybe she’s checking out Jake…shit that fucker’s good looking it could be…
So I sank another ball and it definitely made her smile.
No, it’s all about me.
It came down to the wire and I turned on the fire, a last-ditch effort to not have to make any effort: I made eye contact.
And that was it! She lifted her drink and stood up, her skirt puffing up and giving me a glimpse up it. I could have been classy and kept my eyes to myself until I earned the right to put my head up there and take a look around; but, me, being the drunken pervert, did no such “classy” thing and looked wide-eyed like I was seven and saw my first nipple on some internet pornography website.
By the time she stumbled over to me, she had clearly drank a fair amount of alcohol. Of course a fair amount of alcohol by her standards because based on my body weight vs. hers if she drank as much as I did she'd be dead – and if she was physically capable of drinking as much as I had she would be a fatty (and I don't do fatties). Thankfully, she was pretty tiny and most likely needed much less to get her to the point I was at.
I stopped making eye contact when she was about halfway here and concentrated on my next shot, “it’s about fucking time.”
“Shut up. I’m the girl, you should have walked over to me. I can barely stand.”
“What, you have one vodka and cranberry? This your first time drinking?”
“Fuck you.”
“I guess they stopped carding at this place, eh? Letting all the kiddies in here.”
“Why the fuck did I even come over here?”
I laughed and took my shot, totally missing.
“Ha ha, why did I come over here?”
“Wow, you’re one of those mouthy bitches aren’t you? Am I buying you another drink or should we leave and fuck now?”
“You’re definitely buying me another drink.”
This was all going how it went every night in my dreams, where I was a total baller. I don’t quite understand my allure or how treating her real crappy-like was getting her rocks off but at this point I couldn’t stop. Suave me had to keep this act up to get me some nookie.
While she sipped on that next drink that cost me almost ten bucks I kept my arm around her, staking my claim to all the other guys spotting a 5’3” cutie with smooth legs, perky boobs that you could just barely get the outline of a nipple through and her smooth arms bare with a tattoo of an anthropomorphic rose with great big anime boobs that I only found moderately creepy but disregarded due to my inability to ignore those visible lines between her stomach and crotch that gave just the slight outline of her fantastic girl-parts. This was conquest at its finest. Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan be damned. This bitch was finer than any plot of land or political power – and that’s without getting a look at her naked yet.
“So I won’t lie,” I whispered in her ear, “when you got up I caught a fine look at your pussy.”
“Oh did you pervert?” she whispered back, her breath exploding in my face choking my throat with the scent and flavor of fresh fruits and sharp liquor, “and what did you think?”
“I think I can’t wait until I get a full view when I get you back to my place.”
“You live with your parents?”
“Yes, but they’ll probably be asleep. Just walk quietly and don’t scream.”
“Well I-“
“Ok, you can scream. Hell it was a trick question, I was going to make you scream either way.”
“I don’t have much of a choice do I?”
“Do you want one? Fuck, I’m already erect, you could just blow me in the bathroom if you’d like.”
“I don’t quite see how that’s going to make me come, so shut the fuck up which means you better not stop this game. It’s got me dripping.”
“Oh does it?” I slipped my hand under there and it was met by a slight moist feeling where her vagina would be. “That just made me about ten times worse. And by worse I mean better.” I slid her panties aside and took another feel, one that gave her a shiver down her whole spine. My dick at this point was doing everything it could to get itself out of my pants short of learning how to undo a zipper.
I ran my tongue up the side of her ear and that seemed to be everything she could take. She grabbed my collar and stuck her mouth onto mine and I felt a warm writing muscle stick itself down my throat.
She shoved me towards the door and we ran to my car that I got in a quickly sobered up as I fucked the ignition with the key. She already had my pants down and my dick in her mouth as I hit 90 on the highway home. We zoomed by cars and people and buildings and I saw the blur that was my house and turned into the driveway quietly. We snuck upstairs and our clothes were off before I threw her body onto the bed.
Definitely sexier than I expected, she had a small tattoo of a five dollar bill on the front of her left hip and I didn’t even give a shit what that stood for I just wanted it on top of me.
And just as soon as I thought that she was on top, her tits flailing wildly as perky, bouncy tits would do, but were stifled by my hands and my mouth being wrapped around them. She bounced and gave my crotch the wildest time it’s ever seen since I told the story of how I fucked my babysitter at 15 at the school lunch table that made me the man of the hour.
She grunted and groaned as she bounced and I barely had to do anything before she let out a quick gasp and rolled off me. “Now you finish” she beckoned and didn’t move one bit.
This was my moment I thought and rolled her ass over to reveal her ass, which by the way was THE roundest and smoothest ass I’ve ever seen. So I only had one idea! I parted that mother fucker and TOTALLY fucked it!
She screamed so loudly because she’d probably never been fucked in the ass before. So I thrusted and thrusted and she yelled and yelled like she was being murdered so hardcore and it pretty much made me come in seconds. And I bet it was ALL up in her asshole.
Fucking sweet.
Until…
BANG BANG BANG. “What’s all that ruckus in there steven?!”
“Nothing mom, get the fuck away!”
“But I heard screaming! A Woman screaming! Is there a woman in there?!”
“No mom…I’m masturbating!” I looked down and pulled out, she moaned again.
“Still? Steven, that’s disgusting!”
“Sorry mom!” I sniffed and smelled something awful. There was shit all over the sheets!
“She started to panic, and the smell finally mixed with the booze in her stomach and she started to puke and vomit and heave all over the bedsheets, swirling it around with all the come-covered shit that was also all over. It was so horrible I had to hold back from hurling myself. I started to worry about what to do with all this, and while puking she threw her head forward and hit it against the nightstand and sprawled out on the floor next to the bed.
I lifted her back up into bed - not before ripping the sheets off and throwing them in a plastic bag – and let her sleep all that mess off.
I lifted her back up into bed - not before ripping the sheets off and throwing them in a plastic bag – and let her sleep all that mess off.
My mother continued to yell about how I was a pervert and woke up the rest of the family who finally convinced her to get back to bed and ignore all my god-hating sins.
She came to the next morning complaining about a sore asshole and a hangover and I told her how I fucked her there so hard that she came seven times and told me I was the best fuck ever. She thought that was awesome and wanted to fuck me again. So we did, but I stayed away from the brown-eye ‘cause I’m not a fucking idiot.
And it was definitely awesome. She left her number on my desk and snuck out the window, flashing me her soaked pussy before she left.
I never called her back because she was a gross bitch who lets guys fuck her in the ass on the first date. But I am the fucking man.
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